If You Make A Nut Joke I Will Cut You

I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich tonight. This would not be significant if not for the fact that I am allergic to peanuts - all kinds of nuts for that matter - and have been told by my doctor not to eat them. It's not like I'll die or anything, my mouth just gets kind of itchy and sometimes I'll get hives. He said that the more I eat them the worse my reaction will eventually be, which I interpreted as "If you ever develop a death wish, just stock up on some Jiff!" You could say that I've been following my doctor's orders and eating peanut butter VERY rarely for the past few years if only so that I can avoid having an obituary that says, "Ally, 17, beloved daughter, sister and friend, died from eating a peanut butter sandwich late Sunday night." There's no way I'm dying from eating a fucking sandwich. Who am I, Mama Cass? There are cooler ways to die.

But I decided that, hey, screw it, life is short and rules are made to be broken and plus I really, really wanted a pb&j. So I took out a piece of bread and spread some grape jelly on it and then took extra care to spread just enough peanut butter so that it satisfies my craving but not so much that my throat closes up. Then I folded the piece of bread, took a deep breath and took the first bite.

Oh, the first bite. So heavenly. How could anyone not like peanut butter? Especially combined with the jelly on fluffy wonder bread.....mmmmm. I got such an adrenaline rush eating that forbidden sandwich that you would have thought I was doing something really terrifyingly exhilarating like, you know, jumping out of an airplane or racing cars not EATING A SANDWICH.

I wanted to savor each bite but I ended up wolfing the sandwich down with the mindset of, If I eat it really fast, maybe it'll be like I never ate it. And the universe (and my histamines) can just forget that this ever happened. Like how you think when you're little that if you can't see someone that they can't see you. This genius is often demonstrated during a game of hide and seek when the babysitter is forced to be all, "Where are you? I can't find you! I'm looking everywhere!" and meanwhile you're crouched down right beside the couch, your nose touching the carpet, your feet conspicuously sticking out from behind the couch.

Or like how a girl can't get pregnant if she's on top. Like, duh. That's just science.