You Know, Writing Really Comes In Handy When You Can Only Move One Side Of Your Mouth

Hey, everyone! Let's talk about how sucky my Monday was!

First I spilled coffee all over my shirt this morning in the car and had to rush back into the house to change my shirt so I barely made it to school on time.

Then I had an incredibly boring and exhausting day which was made worse by the fact that all day I was counting down to a dentist appointment I had right after school where I would be getting my first ever cavity filled. Joy!

On one hand I was kind of excited to have my first ever cavity if only because it seems like one of those things that you should have happen to you at some point in your life, you know? Graduating from high school without ever having had a cavity is sort of like getting the "No Detentions in 4 Years" award on Senior Day. It's like, "Really? You've NEVER had a detention? You've NEVER had a cavity? What do you do all day, brush your teeth and behave yourself? You sound like a ball of fun!"

Oh, and did I mention that I have an Anatomy test and a Government test back-to-back tomorrow? Yeah. So I was kind of peeved about being at the dentist until 5:00. I mean, of course I'm not going study for the tests until Study Hall, but it's the principle of the matter, I tell you, the principle!

So I'm sitting there in the dentist's chair thinking about all the Judge Judy studying that I'm missing while being forced to listen to K95. For those of you who do not live in glorious Richmond, Virginia, K95 is a country station that specializes in playing today's country hits, running screaming ads for local truck dealerships and basically destroying my will to live.

So I sit there for twenty minutes (I'm not even kidding, it was literally twenty minutes. If it wasn't for the pictures plastered all over the walls of my dentist's adorable little children, I don't know what I would have done with myself. When I told him this, he said, "Good. They served their purpose." Haha. My dentist is cuter than your dentist.)

Now, I was expecting it to hurt because I had been told be numerous people to expect pain, even if it was just a little bit, but I honestly didn't feel a thing. Except for the Novocaine shot, which wasn't that bad, and plus the whole numb gum/cheek/lips thing is much more annoying than any pain. Especially for someone like me who talks A LOT, and usually at 200 miles an hour. Now I have to talk out of the side of my mouth like Milo Ventimiglia.

And not having full use of my mouth is so much worse than not having full use of my arm like when I get shots, because I don't move my arms nearly as much as I move my mouth in a day. Except it was really annoying a few months ago when I got two shots in my left arm and I could only wash my hair with one arm for like three days. I felt like a chimpanzee. Or maybe like I was washing a chimpanzee. I feel like a chimpanzee was involved somehow.

So anyway, just updating you on mi vida since it's been a few days. More tomorrow, maybe.

And Also Some Beverage Recipes

Hey, guys. Thanks for all the messages lately encouraging me to come back to this blog. I know that I have been terrible about updating lately and I really have no excuses for that. I am the Britney Spears of bloggers. I let my blog get a hold of my cigarettes while I wasn't looking. It is not good.

I thought as a way to thank you for all your messages, I would share with you a spam email I received recently from someone named Abdoula Ekberg with the subject line "teaspoonful". The email began with "Aloha!" and went on to tell me how to give my "girrrlfriend" new sexual "sensatiooons". Then there was this:

And at last casts off his body on the great ocean, and also
some beverage recipes i sent to mrs. The son of pandu, or
the heroic duryodhana? Let the main duct should be brought
under the control seldom occur. Maternal affection is discountenanced
the cold air exhilarated his blood. Michael, meanwhile,
not confined to the lower orders it reached the flung herself
on the ground in an agony of weeping, it is believed to
be the temporaljuice. The stronger to picturesque beauty,
and to the conveniences thou findest all those thine enemies,
whom thou was unable to pierce those cities. Afflicted by
do.' susie threw back her head. Arthur was standing were
still cased in leathern gloves. And the earth they aspire.
they are poor, poor as church mice.

I don't even know where to start with that. Except to say that I've read it a dozen times now and it has yet to get old. It's just so quotable. "It is believed to be the temporaljuice." "The heroic duryhodhana?" "They are poor, poor as church mice." Basically, if you want to sound like a crazy person, just quote something from that email.

I hope to be back to semi-regular posting soon, but not before next week because school starts on Monday and I have to cram everything that I was supposed to be doing all summer into this weekend. Which means that I have to read two books, write a paper about E.coli, figure out my schedule and get all my supplies unpacked and ready to go.

Oh, and also? Some beverage recipes.

I Think These Videos Tie For The Best Things I've Ever Seen In My Life

Personally, I think that every news story should have a rap video parody:

Guilty Pleasures

Have you guys heard of the website muxtape.com? It's a website where you can upload songs and make a playlist that you can then share with other people. The best part is that you can listen to the whole song instead of thirty seconds like on iTunes.

So anyway, I made a playlist the other day called "Guilty Pleasures: Don't act like you don't like them, too." Alternate subtitles include "I also listen to Belle & Sebastian and Dylan, I swear" and "Yeah, I hate me, too."

And here is the part where I break down my playlist track by track:

Len - Steal My Sunshine: The conversation in the beginning is probably my favorite intro to a song ever:

"Hey, Matt"
"Yeah, Tim?"
"Hey, have you talked to Mark lately?"
"Uhh, I haven't really talked to him but he looks pretty, uh, down."
"Ha ha ha, he looks pretty, uh, down."
"Yeah, well maybe we should cheer him up then."
"What do you, uh, suppose we should do?"
"Well....does he like butter tarts?"

I also love in the middle of the song when one of the guys randomly screams "I LOVE YOU KAREN!!!!!"

La Fouine - Reste en Chien: I am obsessed with French rap. Don't ask me why. I don't speak French. I am in Spanish 4. I have no idea what this song is about and I'm too lazy to look it up. More than that, I really don't care. It's actually kind of nice to have no idea what they're saying. Kind of like when you hear a mass in Latin and you can just space out. Of course, I space out when mass is in English, too, but I'm trying to make a point here.

Howie Day - Collide: This sounds like a song that would be played in the background of a makeout scene on some bad CW drama, but that "do do do do" part of the chorus sucks me in every time.

Adam Sandler - The Hanukkah Song II: Maybe this song itself isn't so much of a guilty pleasure, but more the fact that I listen to it all year round. There are three versions of this song and this one is my favorite because I think it has the best lyrics of the three. Lenny Kravitz is half Jewish/Courtney love is half, too/put them together...what a FUNKY, BADASS JEW!

Clipse - Ride Around Shining: "Hefty bags full of cash/Cars full of ass" is my favorite lyric that I've heard in along time. Maybe ever.

Liz Phair - H.W.C.: It's a boppy pop song about cum. And it'll get stuck in your head, too. And you'll sit in the middle of church singing "Give me your hot, white cummmmmm" in your head. At least I do.

Hot Action Cop - Fever for the Flava: This is also a great song for church. I always blast it while getting ready on days when I know that I have to go to mass first thing in the morning. Gets me pumped up for the Jesus.

Beyonce - Irreplaceable: If my mom sings "to the left, to the left" ONE MORE TIME when telling me to go to the left I swear to god I am going to kill her. But unlike Beyonce's boyfriend in the song, my mom is irreplaceable so that wouldn't be good.

Jennifer Lopez - Que Hiciste: A few days ago I was talking to my brother and somehow JLo came up in conversation and I was like, "Um, hey, haha, so..um...this is embarassing, but....have you heard her latest Spanish single?" He looked the video up on YouTube and we haven't been able to stop listening to it since. I mean, I couldn't stop listening to it before but now I've sucked him into the Que Hiciste. And once you get sucked into the Que Hiciste, you never look back. The lyrics are pretty hysterical, too. They are what my brother referred to as "some cold shit." The song is basically a metaphorical throwing her boyfriend's stuff onto her lawn and burning it while giving him the finger. I like to think that it's about Ben Affleck. She erased all your dreams of her dreams, Ben. Because you dimmed with your fury her glance.

Cassie - Me & You: My mom and I lovingly referred to this song as "the blowjob song" for the first few months that it was out and then I was in the car with a friend one day and when this song came on the radio I was like, "Hey! It's The Blowjob Song!" and she was like, "What?! This song isn't about blowjobs!" and I was like, "Um, have you listened to the lyrics? "Baby I'll love you all the way down/Just relax and let me make my move/Baby tell me how you like it" How is it about anything else?" And she was like, "Well I heard that she wrote it for her mom's birthday" and I was like, "Yeah, if her message for her mom was "Happy Birthday! I want to blow you!"

John Mayer - Dreaming With A Broken Heart: I know. I KNOW. But I heard it in Starbucks one time and for whatever reason felt compelled to download it. It's the only John Mayer song that is currently on my iTunes if that makes you feel any better. It doesn't make me feel better, though.

50 Cent (Feat. Justin Timberlake) - Ayo Technology: From the first time that I heard 50 Cent say "Something special/Unforgettable/50 Cent/Justin/Timbaland/Goddamn" in the intro, I knew that I was in love with this song.

Of course, I have way more guilty pleasure songs but muxtape has a 12 song maximum. My guilty pleasure song du jour is this. I saw it on Fuse today and now I can't stop listening to it. Listening and dancing, I should say. Dance, dance, dance, dance!

Way To Let Me Down, Discovery Channel.

There was a show on earlier called "Hooked: Caught Bare Handed" and I got all excited because I thought it was about hookers and, like, the red light district in Prague or something but it was actually about catfish.

A Bit Too Long To Twitter

I'm finding lately that it's really entertaining to speak like the King James version of the Bible. I mean, minus all the Jesus stuff. It's just fun to stand in the middle of the kitchen, eat a midnight snack, look down at my cat who's lying on the floor and say, "BEHOLD I have eaten a saltine cracker! And lo, the Lord said it was good."

That makes me sound really sad, doesn't it?

If You Make A Nut Joke I Will Cut You

I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich tonight. This would not be significant if not for the fact that I am allergic to peanuts - all kinds of nuts for that matter - and have been told by my doctor not to eat them. It's not like I'll die or anything, my mouth just gets kind of itchy and sometimes I'll get hives. He said that the more I eat them the worse my reaction will eventually be, which I interpreted as "If you ever develop a death wish, just stock up on some Jiff!" You could say that I've been following my doctor's orders and eating peanut butter VERY rarely for the past few years if only so that I can avoid having an obituary that says, "Ally, 17, beloved daughter, sister and friend, died from eating a peanut butter sandwich late Sunday night." There's no way I'm dying from eating a fucking sandwich. Who am I, Mama Cass? There are cooler ways to die.

But I decided that, hey, screw it, life is short and rules are made to be broken and plus I really, really wanted a pb&j. So I took out a piece of bread and spread some grape jelly on it and then took extra care to spread just enough peanut butter so that it satisfies my craving but not so much that my throat closes up. Then I folded the piece of bread, took a deep breath and took the first bite.

Oh, the first bite. So heavenly. How could anyone not like peanut butter? Especially combined with the jelly on fluffy wonder bread.....mmmmm. I got such an adrenaline rush eating that forbidden sandwich that you would have thought I was doing something really terrifyingly exhilarating like, you know, jumping out of an airplane or racing cars not EATING A SANDWICH.

I wanted to savor each bite but I ended up wolfing the sandwich down with the mindset of, If I eat it really fast, maybe it'll be like I never ate it. And the universe (and my histamines) can just forget that this ever happened. Like how you think when you're little that if you can't see someone that they can't see you. This genius is often demonstrated during a game of hide and seek when the babysitter is forced to be all, "Where are you? I can't find you! I'm looking everywhere!" and meanwhile you're crouched down right beside the couch, your nose touching the carpet, your feet conspicuously sticking out from behind the couch.

Or like how a girl can't get pregnant if she's on top. Like, duh. That's just science.

Just FYI

If I don't show up for SATs tomorrow or, you know, school on Monday then it's because I kidnapped this kid in the middle of the night all Raising Arizona style so that I could have his adorableness all to myself:

Things I Wish I Had The Opportunity To Say

Drop it! FBI!

A Pulitzer? I'm flattered.

I come in peace.

Oh, thank you, but a standing ovation really isn't necessary. Please sit down, really, this is just too much, thank you.

I love you, too, Jude Law.

Yes, but do you have a flag?

I am currently working on an assload of History homework and really, really wishing that Eddie Izzard was my History teacher. How I love him so.

(Du'Loque: You might particularly enjoy the third video since you're majoring in international relations and all.)